Weigh In Wednesday #25 – Status In Art

Today felt like this:

IMG_4087

My life feels like this:

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My partner in crime:

Partner in crime

Words to live by:

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

~Maya Angelou

Weigh In Wednesday #24 – The Stinger

weigh in wednesdayIs it Wednesday already?

I’m a grown up, for all intensive purposes. But I’ll tell you, when a person you’re close to lets you know that they have little or no faith in you achieving your goals (whether it be a flat out statement or a joke) it stings. Sure, I have a lofty weight loss goal of 100 pounds and it was a New Years Resolution (therefore almost a definite fail), and as it turns out I’m not going to bust it out in the year that I initially gave myself.

Does that mean that I’m not still working to achieve that goal? Are my guidelines so strict that if I don’t achieve it by my time limit that I should give up on the whole thing altogether? Am I less motivated than I was on January 1st?

Nope. None of the above.

I don’t expect everyone to be totally supportive of my goal, especially since I’ve sidelined the weight and measurement aspects of the process. (FYI – I’ve maintained at 249 since I last posted that a few weeks ago). I also recognize that I’ve put myself out in the open for judgement by making my declaration on the internet, publicly. So I guess I should have expected a couple stingers by now. Let me explain why my initial attempts didn’t work and what I’m figuring out along the way.

Going Paleo or Whole30 is novel. Lots of people can do it and live those lifestyles. I certainly feel great when I’m living that way too. But in my house, with my family and my food preferences – it’s not sustainable. I was giving myself complexes about wanting a slice of homemade bread. I was bingeing on the natural version of Nutella. I was weighing myself repeatedly and seriously stressing myself out about losing weight. If I went a week and didn’t lose weight, or gave into a “temptation” (like rice or noodles or bread or crackers) I got angry at myself and often took it out my my husband and my kid.

I got to a place that wasn’t healthy. I was becoming phobic about eating. To the point that I didn’t eat on Tuesdays before or after my dance class because it was a surefire way to lose at least a pound so that I’d have something to show for it on Wednesday. When my body got achingly hungry because I decided to skip a meal, I told myself that it was “primal” to occasionally “fast”. I felt like shit.

Being that I’m a self proclaimed optimist, living day to day feeling like an angry piece of shit, IS NO WAY TO LIVE.

So I stepped back. Like any sane and normal person should do. I surrounded myself with words of positivity and love and light and healthy foods. And some not so healthy foods too. I started eating. I’m working on de-criminalizing food. All kinds of food. You know what? I feel a whole lot better now. I’m happier, nicer and don’t feel so crappy all the time.

Being on track looks a lot like being more active. On days that I don’t have a gym date I’ve started walking or riding my bike. I got a Fitbit to help keep track of my movement. The next step is to start paying attention to my food again. Not to cut any of it out – because if I know anything now I know that I like to have ice cream – but to find ways of eating what I want without having to feel like I’m sacrificing. Time to burn more than I take in, but in a reasonable, non-starve myself, exercise regularly type of way.

My problems are first world problems, it’s true, but they’re mine. Maybe I’m being sensitive to the comment that was made in jest, and in passing, but don’t give up on me yet. I haven’t.

Weigh In Wednesday #23 Heat Wave

weigh in wednesdayPhew! What a week this has been. Imagine the back drop of a heat wave that has lasted for 6 days and has brought us temperatures of 102-106*. Without air conditioning and an older home, the box elder bugs have come out in full force. Like, jungle bug status. Totally gross! Porter has caught a head cold, throw in a wildfire or two, and we decided to move into a hotel for 3 days.

It’s one of those situations that makes me grateful for the life we have that includes plenty to eat, cold water and shelter when things get bad. On the other hand, Porter repeated the F-word today after hearing me mutter it under my breath. Yes, I swore.

What has come out of this overwhelming week is that I now believe I can do anything if I live in a home with A/C. I’ve also come to wonder what the heck humans were thinking when we settled in the deserts of the west. Seriously.What.Were.We.Thinking? I’ve also decided that I want to move our little family to a foreign country for awhile, to spice things up and have an adventure. We’ll see how that one goes over.

One of my requirements of our stay-cation location was that it have a pool. We opted for the Marriot Residence Inn, which has met all of our needs entirely. Not only do they have a pool, but a hot tub too. Because what feels so good in the midst of a heat wave and after a jump in the pool? A nice soak in the hot tub! I kid you not.

I was sitting in the hot tub this evening in a rare moment of solitude AND relaxation and I had a thought. (I do still occasionally have them, but only briefly.) Maybe it was the all the heat getting to me, but I think there’s a kernel of truth in this. It goes like this:

What if the person I was, and the person I thought I was going to be (as a parent), is entirely different than who I actually am?

After going through such a metamorphosis as growing and birthing a person and ending a full time career, how I could presume to be the same person I was before? I do believe that’s the opposite of a metamorphosis. Maybe I’m no caterpillar? But a lovely butterfly now?

Silly me. I thought that birthing a child was all that I required to be a mom. I believe, now, that it takes more time, personal reflection and open mindedness than I had originally assumed. Remembering that I’m a person outside of being a mother is important too. And definitely learning to lose or give up control. LOTS of that.

On the health note, this week I did an awesome workout with my friend Sarah. I was sore for days and in places I haven’t felt in years.

Here was my favorite quote of the week:

The diet gurus tell us that we have to give ourselves eating disorders in order to lose weight. We do not.

~GoKaleo.com

Weigh In Wednesday #22

weigh in wednesdayIt’s a strange feeling when someone as confident as I am in my body’s ability becomes angry and frustrated at that same body. One which has allowed me to dance, run, jump, swim, sing, birth, see, hear, taste, love and learn. The body that got me to this finish line after completing an Olympic distance triathlon: mile swim, 25 mile bike and 6 mile run and then to leap over the finish line.

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I knew I had some body issues (I did grow up in the US after all), but I can’t tell if I’ve always had them or if doing this challenge has created them. Either way, I’ve found myself getting mad at my body for not contorting itself at the pace I want it to. I WANT IT NOW! Alas, I’m a product of my times and have become impatient and cranky with mother nature (aka my changing body.)

Recognizing this about myself, and this awkward feeling of mistrust in my body, I have decided that I need to take some time to regain confidence in my body. I’ve been following GoKaleo on Facebook (she’s ever so slightly militant about not dieting and self love), searching through blogs of moms who are proud of their stretch marks, and making a concerted effort to move my body in ways that make me happy and to eat real food. Any real food I want. It’s strange that I’ve gotten to the point of demonizing a slice of homemade sprouted wheat bread with almond butter.

In an effort to cut my self and my body some slack I’ve re-instituted positive affirmations and decided to stop weighing/measuring myself until I get this ish in order. Weigh In Wednesday will continue, but with a more positive message about self love and acceptance.

Something tells me this challenge will last longer than the designated year. My parents always say that a plan is something to have for when life isn’t happening. Welcome back life! It’s nice to see you again, I missed you.

My affirmations for now:

  • I love my body.
  • I love my self.
  • I love my life.
  • I am unbelievably, utterly and immeasurably beautiful.
  • I am exactly perfect just as I am.

My favorite quote from the week:

“ok. 30 days of no sugar, no alcohol, no dairy, no grains, no coffee. and yet the muffin top? it persistith. time to get down with some of this ‘accepting yourself as you are’ BS i keep reading about.”

~Jade from A Beautiful Body Project  <–You NEED to check this out!

Weigh In Wednesday #21

weigh in wednesdayGET BACK ON YOUR HORSE!

“Long ago, warriors trained daily to hone their mental focus, physical strength, and skills in preparation for meeting any situation in battle. Battles, like birth, are not choreographed. Never knowing exactly what to expect, a warrior has to be spontaneous and creative on the spot.

Picture a woman riding into battle on her decorated warhorse. Imagine her engaged in a fierce battle, when suddenly she loses her balance or is knocked off her horse. She hits the ground hard, but the battle continues.

What can she do?

She could feel defeated or ashamed for falling off her horse; she could give up or ask people what she should do. While waiting or trying to decide, she might get trampled. Or, instead, knowing that falling off the horse is part of the battle, and not shameful or weak, she can get back on her horse, continuing to do her best, moment-by-moment, without attachment to outcome.”

~Excerpt from Pam England and Virginia Bobro’s new book-in-progress

#21 6/19/13 Last Week This Week Difference Overall Loss
Weight (lbs) 244 249 5 12lbs
Left Leg (in) 30.5 31 0.5 -1.5
Hip (in) 50 51 1 -3
Waist (in) 42.5 43 0.5 -8
Chest (in) 45 46 1 -1.5
Left Arm (in) 15.5 16 0.5 -1
Neck (in) 15 15 0 -1
Total inches Lost 16″

 

Weigh In Wednesday #19

weigh in wednesdayEvery Wednesday when I step on the scale I have to weigh myself anywhere from 5-8 times. I do this because often my scale will give me wildly varying numbers within a four pound range. It’s like spinning that giant wheel at the end of the Price Is Right.

In an effort to be scientifically accurate (haha) I wait until I get the same number three times. Eventually my scale settles on a number and that’s what I go with. Today, however, my scale was absolutely certain about my weight and didn’t differ it’s opinion one little bit. No reason to share this, just a silly bit of info.

#19 5/8/13 Last Week This Week Difference Overall Loss
Weight (lbs) 239 238 -1 23 lbs
Left Leg (in) 30 30 0 -2.5
Hip (in) 49.5 49.5 0 -4.5
Waist (in) 41 41 0 -10
Chest (in) 44 44 0 -3.5
Left Arm (in) 15.5 15.5 0 -1.5
Neck (in) 15 15 0 -1
Total inches Lost 23″

Weigh In Wednesday #18

weigh in wednesdayBefore I get into the numbers, let me share with you how the latter half of last week went. As you remember I had backslid 4 pounds. Well, it didn’t stop there. By Friday I had consumed more ice cream, sourdough toast, baked goods, a milk shake, cinnamon bears (definitely not real food) and cookies. I didn’t give a damn. I stepped on the scale Saturday morning and it registered a whopping 248. Double take, what?! Yeah, that’s 10 pounds in 10 days. 10 DAYS!

Obviously my body didn’t convert all that into fat, but I was well on my way to destroying months of hard work, as you well know. You’ll be happy to know that I turned it around, and practically on a dime. Sigh of relief! So what changed?

I knew I had to get back on track ASAP. I went to the farmer’s market and avoided the (bountiful) doughnuts and took solace in the fact that I’m trying to get my grocery bill down. I focused on sticking to my list and finding good deals. I was tempted through the day, but knew if I could make it to dinner with my friends there was the possibility of s’mores.

Yeah, you read that right. More sweets as a reward for being good. I said it. Clearly, my issues with food go deep, and old habits (mindsets) die hard. Or maybe they don’t die at all and I’ll be up against these issues for the rest of my days? I hope not.

Any-who, we made it to Chelsea’s for dinner and all my besties were there. They also brought their kids and it was a downright shindig. I loved it. I think I missed my people and desperately needed to get back in touch with them. Let me explain.

Not only does this group of friends go way WAY back in time, but we eat together a lot. This has included bouts of ice cream and baked goods and the occasional binge too. These bad habits, however, were a long time ago. In the last few years we’ve supported each other’s goals to eat right and live healthy. We share a love of Real Food, cooking, and can always count on the foods that we bring to be edible to just about everyone. In other words, I can eat guilt free with these people.

Not only do we create and share meals together, but I’m not the only one finding my way to health through reduced carbs and elimination of refined and processed foods. I am regularly inspired by my friends who are also losing weight and finding joy in their own bodies. This last Saturday, eating with these folks, felt like I was being brought back into the fold. It was just what I needed to get back on track.

This all sounds a little dramatic, and maybe it is, but I am so grateful to my friends. Never once have they judged me and they have always been supportive. They were the only people who’s jaws didn’t drop when I told them of my goal to lose 100 pounds and how I planned on doing it. They totally got it from the start. And the best part is that their support comes from just being themselves. That’s why we’re so close and that’s how they keep me real.

The result…I’m back! Getting into my groove was 100% easier than starting from scratch, because I have the tools and ingredients to make all the right choices. Phew, that was a close one!

For the record, I did not have s’mores. Porter’s bedtime rolled around and while I seriously considered pushing that limit for the sake of a treat, I (struggled) used it as an opportunity to leave the party. It was really hard. I really wanted to stay and enjoy some more sugar and good company. Sometimes removing myself from a situation is the best possible way to deal.

I’m confident that today (only 4 days later) if I was confronted with s’mores I could happily decline them. How do I know? Because I’ve been fantasizing about a milkshake all morning. I even passed the (drive thru) shop that makes them and I chose not to stop. Part of my decision to pass was because I get to report to you about my small victories. Thank goodness for those and thank goodness for all of you too!

#18 5/1/13 Last Week This Week Difference Overall Loss
Weight (lbs) 242.5 (248) 239 -3.5 22 lbs
Left Leg (in) 30.5 30 -0.5 -2.5
Hip (in) 50 49.5 -0.5 -4.5
Waist (in) 42.5 41 -1.5 -10
Chest (in) 44.5 44 -0.5 -3.5
Left Arm (in) 15.5 15.5 0 -1.5
Neck (in) 15 15 0 -1
Total inches Lost 23″

Weigh In Wednesday #17

weigh in wednesdayAll week long I’ve been trying to figure out how I was going to write this week’s weigh-in post. Maybe I’d lie a little? No. Maybe I’d make excuses? No. Maybe I’d blame it on the moon? No. Honestly, I just stopped watching what I ate this week. Not permanently, I just needed a sanctioned break.

There was a beautiful loaf of sourdough from the market, that desperately needed to be eaten toasted with butter (I didn’t eat it all, just a few slices). And I did the Lactation Cookie post, so I had to make those and eat some of them. And I really wanted to know what my food tastes like served with rice, so I ate it. I went out with the ladies and had not one but TWO cocktails, a burger AND fries. It all tasted delicious. Portions, what are those again?

Here’s what it felt like. The sourdough was amazing, crunchy, buttery, tasted great going down. The lactation cookies eventually gave me heart burn (as they eventually did when I was eating them daily after P was born). I still had plenty of energy to dance on Tuesday night, but less enthusiasm. I’m feeling lethargic. That has something to do with the next paragraph too.

P has been suffering from some gnarly allergies, which includes copious amounts of fluid leaking from every orifice of his face and an insane amount of coughing. Usually in the middle of the night. If I was heartless, I’d let him go all night long, but I’m not.

At 3 am for the past two nights I’ve gotten up and given him some herbs to calm the cough and offer him water. At which point he places his baby hands on my cheeks and so sweetly says, “I tired. Let’s go to sleep mama. Hold my hand.” It’s seriously the most tender thing you’ve ever heard.

In the hope that he’ll fall quickly asleep if I stay, I lay down. But he doesn’t fall quickly asleep, because he’s got this freaking cough. And like any mother with a sick babe, I can only rest fitfully. After and hour or more, we both conk out until he inevitably starts to cough again. It’s still too early in my opinion, but the sun is peaking through the edges of the curtains and he’s ready to roll. I’m not sleeping so good and that makes everything harder. End of story.

I need to find my motivation again. Re-read my initial post, start getting 8 hours of sleep again and drinking more water and less coffee. Yeah, it’s a lifestyle change, but it’s still not easy. Har-umph.

#17 4/24/13 Last Week This Week Difference Overall Loss
Weight (lbs) 238.5 242.5 +4 18.5 lbs
Left Leg (in) 30.5 30.5 0 -2
Hip (in) 50.5 50 -0.5 -3.5
Waist (in) 42 42.5 +0.5 -8.5
Chest (in) 43.5 44.5 +1 -3
Left Arm (in) 15.5 15.5 0 -1.5
Neck (in) 15 15 0 -1
Total inches Lost 19.5