Is it Wednesday already?

I’m a grown up, for all intensive purposes. But I’ll tell you, when a person you’re close to lets you know that they have little or no faith in you achieving your goals (whether it be a flat out statement or a joke) it stings. Sure, I have a lofty weight loss goal of 100 pounds and it was a New Years Resolution (therefore almost a definite fail), and as it turns out I’m not going to bust it out in the year that I initially gave myself.

Does that mean that I’m not still working to achieve that goal? Are my guidelines so strict that if I don’t achieve it by my time limit that I should give up on the whole thing altogether? Am I less motivated than I was on January 1st?

Nope. None of the above.

I don’t expect everyone to be totally supportive of my goal, especially since I’ve sidelined the weight and measurement aspects of the process. (FYI – I’ve maintained at 249 since I last posted that a few weeks ago). I also recognize that I’ve put myself out in the open for judgement by making my declaration on the internet, publicly. So I guess I should have expected a couple stingers by now. Let me explain why my initial attempts didn’t work and what I’m figuring out along the way.

Going Paleo or Whole30 is novel. Lots of people can do it and live those lifestyles. I certainly feel great when I’m living that way too. But in my house, with my family and my food preferences – it’s not sustainable. I was giving myself complexes about wanting a slice of homemade bread. I was bingeing on the natural version of Nutella. I was weighing myself repeatedly and seriously stressing myself out about losing weight. If I went a week and didn’t lose weight, or gave into a “temptation” (like rice or noodles or bread or crackers) I got angry at myself and often took it out my my husband and my kid.

I got to a place that wasn’t healthy. I was becoming phobic about eating. To the point that I didn’t eat on Tuesdays before or after my dance class because it was a surefire way to lose at least a pound so that I’d have something to show for it on Wednesday. When my body got achingly hungry because I decided to skip a meal, I told myself that it was “primal” to occasionally “fast”. I felt like shit.

Being that I’m a self proclaimed optimist, living day to day feeling like an angry piece of shit, IS NO WAY TO LIVE.

So I stepped back. Like any sane and normal person should do. I surrounded myself with words of positivity and love and light and healthy foods. And some not so healthy foods too. I started eating. I’m working on de-criminalizing food. All kinds of food. You know what? I feel a whole lot better now. I’m happier, nicer and don’t feel so crappy all the time.

Being on track looks a lot like being more active. On days that I don’t have a gym date I’ve started walking or riding my bike. I got a Fitbit to help keep track of my movement. The next step is to start paying attention to my food again. Not to cut any of it out – because if I know anything now I know that I like to have ice cream – but to find ways of eating what I want without having to feel like I’m sacrificing. Time to burn more than I take in, but in a reasonable, non-starve myself, exercise regularly type of way.

My problems are first world problems, it’s true, but they’re mine. Maybe I’m being sensitive to the comment that was made in jest, and in passing, but don’t give up on me yet. I haven’t.